THROUGH 2 DIFFERENT EYES

the 1st time you met nanna

TOUCHING STORY....(An old story but always inspires me)
My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so
embarrassed.
How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school
one of my classmates said, ‘EEEE, your mom only has one eye!’

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, "If
you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just
die?"

My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. 

I wanted out of that house, and have
nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
 
Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. 

Then one day, my Mother came to visit me. She hadn’t seen me in years and she didn’t even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I
screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"

And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and
she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a
business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of
curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

"My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.

I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. 

I’m sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.
 
You see……..when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.
 
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.
 
With all my love to you,
Your mother."

the son got into tears, but it was too late.
MORAL LESSON:
Never neglet your MuM, Because she is a blessing.
One day u will cry when she will be gone.

im sharing this because i want to touch on a couple of things  that i feel you need to know about me and nanna.

first off, i know it bothers you when i talk about nanna, but, daniel, you HAVE to udnerstand the woman you knew was NOT the woman i grew up with.
nanna didnt even like babies, or kids, and she let it be known all my life.
 stop for one minute and think how that had to make me feel, when i didnt have a dad, to hear my own mother say she hated kids...and i was one. how can she "love" me and hate  the ppl im in the same generationla age with?
that hurt.

when you came around i debated on even letting her get to know you, not because she "hated babies and kids" but because she has emotionally abused me almost every day of my life, i didnt want her to grab you and manipulate you to such a low self esteem as i had been placed, i almost never allowed the reunion.

whenh you were 5  months old. she met you for the 1st time, and im not lying when i say that was the very 1st time i had ever seen nanna hold a child.
as im thinking of it i cant recall ever sitting in her lap as a kid. its not to sy i didnt, i just cant remember climbing up onto her lap, and being cuddled by her like moms do with small children.

back to my  letter...
i walked into her home, and had you, and she took one look, and for the 1st time, fell in love and i could see it in her face.
she adored you.

i could have gotten jelous, could have really decided to hate her for loving you and not me, but i didnt, i took that chance to see her be a mother to you, she was NEVER to me.

son, loving someone is far more than providingt the essentials to them for thier survival. 
anyone can give you a roof, and food, and clothes, and  warmth..
not everyones gonna LOVE you.
she loved me on some level i dont understand, but it was consumed by her desire to have a PHD, and the fact that i was the offspring she HAD to take care of after my dad left her.

i cant imagine the enormity of her pain. i cant. because that pain spilled over onto me on a regular babsis, by the way she treated me.

its only recently i can understand she hurt so deeply she couldnt love me properly.
she sought the answers for my dads hurting her in books and undersating of psychology (the entire reason she entered into that field was to figure him out) instead of healing herself to weellness and having the capability to love her daughter the way i needed,

but she had enough love inside her somewhere to..give it to you. 
ill never regret letting her in your life, it wa smagic, seeing her cater to you, where i aklways had to proove myself.
she never talked down to you, never  worked your brain over, never thought you were anything but perfection, while i was always a disapointment to her.

you wer eher golden child. and im glad you were, because from you, emerge the mother i was always looking for.

but that didnt stop the hurt, she would never akknowleges he had ever done anyting to me. heck she lied to me about ruining my credit with a credit card she had gotten in my name and falsified info on to obtain when i onfronted her about it, and i saw the thing...yet, shed never take honest responsibility for doing that to me.

i love her, i want you to understand that.
you cant carry around as much pain as i have inside for her and because of her for something you have no care for, the emotions you have in whatever direction they are in )positive & negative) are in direct relation to the amount you have as well..for the issue.
i carry so much hurt, because i love her so much.

i know it doesnt seem like it to you. because im stelling a story from MY side, not yours.
try for a second to be me and hear your mother (me) tell you that she never liked babies or kids, and the best number of kids to have EVER is..ZERO..
have me tell you (knowing id have had a psychology background) that your crazy, need meds, should be insitutionalized, and a myriad of other things, just because shes upset at you,

let me dig at your heart and sol just for an emotional response. because that makes ME feel like I have power and i can control you if i have that leverage.

while i suffered all my life, i also loved her all my life, and still do, and im left after her pasing with the question of does she love me? because i never had that sense.

what kind of crule mother would tell her child that they WILL NOT cry at  the passing of them, and if they did it would be for show only, not because its real..and this was brought on by a simple conversation..

allways tried to make me feel like nothing, and always tried to do it through emotional blackmailing me. 

i did cry, i do cry still...sometimes for hours because i miss her. 

son, i loed her, i still do love her, when i talk about her its because its what i saw her as through MY eyes.

i wish you could understand its in no way ment to dispareage her  memory you have, but your nanna, and my mom, wernt the same person. she was far different with you. and i dont discount your memories, i was there i saw how she acted with you, and behaved with you.

i can have ppl tell you how she treated them, and maybe that woud make you see, it wasnt just me seeing it, others did as well..
she was mean to anyone and everyone, i just got the most of it because i lived under the same roof.

i made the choice, because of how she was with me, to NEVER be that way with you. and i fel i have done a fantastic job of  being a loving mother, who has had a vested interest in your well being. 

dont think bad of me because i have a different memory of the same woman you have great memories of. be thankful we both had to experience her.  
she was the only mom i ever had, and the only nanna youve hever had.