WHY DO I LOVE SANDY?

you asked me why i would put up with, and associate with my best friend the other day?
(huh, funny you just walked in the PC room while i was writing this...you prolly wont remember what for, but im gonna add why, just as a reference for time in your life.
you walked in asking me had i seen the trailer for: DELIVER US FROM EVIL.
we both agreed it looks like a movie wed want to see. its june 8 2014, youll be 20 next month)

back to the reason im writting this..you asked me how, after all ive been through with sandy, why i would continue to associate with her.

one word...FAMILY.

she isnt flesh and blood, but shes the closest thing i have next to you to what i call FAMILY.
in my rebuttle, i turned the question back to you, and asked how could i love nanna after ALL she has done to hurt me, abuse me (and yes mental and emotional abuse is STILL abuse)..her cold nature, her demeining remarks, her always trying to push me away, her lack of love and a million other things i could say about her..how could i continue to love her?!!?!?!?!?!
simple..one word...FAMILY.

son, youll come to a place in your life when ppl who hurt you continuoulsy, still hold your heart.
maybe your child will be that indiovidual, maybe it will be your "perfect girl", maybe it will be me...who knows, but  an individual will step all over every part of you, and youll STILL be right there beside them.

i love sandy, like my siste,r like we were flesh and blood, ive known her since i was 15, im 47 now..thats more years than you have been here...thats 32 years, well over half my life, if i remove the last few years since she and i have reunited, thats about 28, ir so...still more years than half my life.

and we did everything together. we had such fun, my memories of being with her are largely filled with laughter, and fun times, and they are brigheter than the times i remember that she did me wrong..
she was the balance to nanna, to be honest, while i cried  myself to sleep some nights over being hurt by your grandmother, i welcomed the days when sandy and i would go looking in abandoned buildings, and pulling pranks on ppl, and talking, and opening up...
she was my soundboard, my relase valve for everything i went through as a young lady, and the entire time i never knew her pain..i never knew she had as much problems she has had, she never told me about most of them.

i did everything i did (that she eventually crapped on me for) because i love her.
and im doing it again, risking  myself, putting myself out ther eon that branch, maybe it will snap, maybe it will bend, maybe...it will sit strong and firm..because i love her.

if you go off, injure my soul, by , oh lets say...getting arrested at walmart for , oh..maybe stealing a jacket...am i supposed to just  forget you exist? simply because you hurt my heart? brike me? dissapointed me? no, of course not, because your my son.
why then is it any different for her? because shes NOT my flesh and blood? but she feels like she is, to me anyway.
your old enough now, that what she does with me, wont effect you to any great measure, and i wanted it like that.

your allowed to your opinion, i cant change that, but base it off of your own experience with her,not because of things i have told you. thats judging her on someone elses opinion. and not wise.
i have never been the eprson who doesnt like someone based on anyone elses thinking. nope. id go find out for myself if that was how that person was.
i have been told YOUR a troublemaker, a "bad person" , cant see "doing anything productive" and thats opinions of others, and while those words pierce me, because i know thay arnt the truth, i cant change the mind set of anyone who holds them.

so, please...judge her based on how you see her in person, how she really is in real life, she may have changed allot, and im hopefull thats the case, because i love this woman with almost all of my heart as id love a natural sister...

give her a chance.
youd want one.
i know i  want them when i can get them.

THROUGH 2 DIFFERENT EYES

the 1st time you met nanna

TOUCHING STORY....(An old story but always inspires me)
My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so
embarrassed.
How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school
one of my classmates said, ‘EEEE, your mom only has one eye!’

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, "If
you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just
die?"

My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. 

I wanted out of that house, and have
nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
 
Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. 

Then one day, my Mother came to visit me. She hadn’t seen me in years and she didn’t even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I
screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"

And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and
she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a
business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of
curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

"My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.

I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. 

I’m sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.
 
You see……..when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.
 
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.
 
With all my love to you,
Your mother."

the son got into tears, but it was too late.
MORAL LESSON:
Never neglet your MuM, Because she is a blessing.
One day u will cry when she will be gone.

im sharing this because i want to touch on a couple of things  that i feel you need to know about me and nanna.

first off, i know it bothers you when i talk about nanna, but, daniel, you HAVE to udnerstand the woman you knew was NOT the woman i grew up with.
nanna didnt even like babies, or kids, and she let it be known all my life.
 stop for one minute and think how that had to make me feel, when i didnt have a dad, to hear my own mother say she hated kids...and i was one. how can she "love" me and hate  the ppl im in the same generationla age with?
that hurt.

when you came around i debated on even letting her get to know you, not because she "hated babies and kids" but because she has emotionally abused me almost every day of my life, i didnt want her to grab you and manipulate you to such a low self esteem as i had been placed, i almost never allowed the reunion.

whenh you were 5  months old. she met you for the 1st time, and im not lying when i say that was the very 1st time i had ever seen nanna hold a child.
as im thinking of it i cant recall ever sitting in her lap as a kid. its not to sy i didnt, i just cant remember climbing up onto her lap, and being cuddled by her like moms do with small children.

back to my  letter...
i walked into her home, and had you, and she took one look, and for the 1st time, fell in love and i could see it in her face.
she adored you.

i could have gotten jelous, could have really decided to hate her for loving you and not me, but i didnt, i took that chance to see her be a mother to you, she was NEVER to me.

son, loving someone is far more than providingt the essentials to them for thier survival. 
anyone can give you a roof, and food, and clothes, and  warmth..
not everyones gonna LOVE you.
she loved me on some level i dont understand, but it was consumed by her desire to have a PHD, and the fact that i was the offspring she HAD to take care of after my dad left her.

i cant imagine the enormity of her pain. i cant. because that pain spilled over onto me on a regular babsis, by the way she treated me.

its only recently i can understand she hurt so deeply she couldnt love me properly.
she sought the answers for my dads hurting her in books and undersating of psychology (the entire reason she entered into that field was to figure him out) instead of healing herself to weellness and having the capability to love her daughter the way i needed,

but she had enough love inside her somewhere to..give it to you. 
ill never regret letting her in your life, it wa smagic, seeing her cater to you, where i aklways had to proove myself.
she never talked down to you, never  worked your brain over, never thought you were anything but perfection, while i was always a disapointment to her.

you wer eher golden child. and im glad you were, because from you, emerge the mother i was always looking for.

but that didnt stop the hurt, she would never akknowleges he had ever done anyting to me. heck she lied to me about ruining my credit with a credit card she had gotten in my name and falsified info on to obtain when i onfronted her about it, and i saw the thing...yet, shed never take honest responsibility for doing that to me.

i love her, i want you to understand that.
you cant carry around as much pain as i have inside for her and because of her for something you have no care for, the emotions you have in whatever direction they are in )positive & negative) are in direct relation to the amount you have as well..for the issue.
i carry so much hurt, because i love her so much.

i know it doesnt seem like it to you. because im stelling a story from MY side, not yours.
try for a second to be me and hear your mother (me) tell you that she never liked babies or kids, and the best number of kids to have EVER is..ZERO..
have me tell you (knowing id have had a psychology background) that your crazy, need meds, should be insitutionalized, and a myriad of other things, just because shes upset at you,

let me dig at your heart and sol just for an emotional response. because that makes ME feel like I have power and i can control you if i have that leverage.

while i suffered all my life, i also loved her all my life, and still do, and im left after her pasing with the question of does she love me? because i never had that sense.

what kind of crule mother would tell her child that they WILL NOT cry at  the passing of them, and if they did it would be for show only, not because its real..and this was brought on by a simple conversation..

allways tried to make me feel like nothing, and always tried to do it through emotional blackmailing me. 

i did cry, i do cry still...sometimes for hours because i miss her. 

son, i loed her, i still do love her, when i talk about her its because its what i saw her as through MY eyes.

i wish you could understand its in no way ment to dispareage her  memory you have, but your nanna, and my mom, wernt the same person. she was far different with you. and i dont discount your memories, i was there i saw how she acted with you, and behaved with you.

i can have ppl tell you how she treated them, and maybe that woud make you see, it wasnt just me seeing it, others did as well..
she was mean to anyone and everyone, i just got the most of it because i lived under the same roof.

i made the choice, because of how she was with me, to NEVER be that way with you. and i fel i have done a fantastic job of  being a loving mother, who has had a vested interest in your well being. 

dont think bad of me because i have a different memory of the same woman you have great memories of. be thankful we both had to experience her.  
she was the only mom i ever had, and the only nanna youve hever had. 

 

you NEED a focus

its been a year since you graduated, and we told you wed allow you a year to "find yourself"

there may be something to this, "as soon as your out of school, a high school senior, and either in school or at a job" thing, because us allowing you a year to "find yourself" led you to..nowhere but a blob on my couch, who has hardly exercised the free will to  fly out of this nest.


 we started off, just after school with the high hopes )ok, you had them, i had reservations) of military.
you treid 2 times out of 3, to get in, and failed.

then you decided youd try for colledge, and realized theres prerequisits that will always be there to have to do. you backed out of that idea.

you then got hooked on the idea of going to security school. and we found out, that most likely cant happen because you have a charge against you for..shoplifting.

then you decided to go try for hobby lobby, they are paying 15 bucks an hour.
looked online and saw that you may have trouble with the  math part of the interview exam.

then you applied for a job at crest. warehouse, and havnt heard back.

and we have come full circle to your announcement today of..."im going to try to get a job at frontier city"
in all honesty, i doubt youll get hired, you were fired. wasnt like you quite, theres a HUGE difference in the two, one you vounteer your departure, one they require your departure, not too many ppl get rehired back from a place they have been fired from.

but..stranger things have happened.
maybe you will get that job back, but i doubt it.

son, you need to have a focus, something your striving towards that will give you a future.

every avanue may look closed, but that doesnt stop anyone else in the same position. break those barriers, call up places, speak to ppl. get your foot in the door and proove yourself. dont let your past dictate your future, you need to go out and set it for the world to see.

please, find SOMETHING and stick with THAT as your ideal...
remember, whatever you chose ill support the idea, only one requirement, make it the best  you can. its all i ask. i want you happy doing what you want to do.

so, go...
find yourself, and stick with the idea...
youll find youll be fine.

ARTICLE - HERO MOM: "HE MATTERED MORE THAN I DID"

CBS NewsMay 11, 2014, 11:34 PM

Hero mom: "He mattered way more than I did"

HAVERHILL, Mass. - Lying in her hospital bed, Christina Simoes knows she may never walk again, but she says she's thankful she and her toddler son are alive after she jumped from a burning building with him in her arms.
When fire broke out Wednesday in their apartment complex, Simoes, 23, realized there was only one way to save her 18-month-old son, Cameron.
"I grabbed my son and I held him as tight as I could to my chest and I gave him a kiss and a hug, and I told him I loved him and I jumped out the window," Simoes told CBS Boston Sunday from her hospital bed.
"I didn't think about it. All I was thinking about was getting him out of there. He mattered way more than I did," she said.

Simoes said she was lying in the bed with Cameron when she saw smoke in her window and jumped up. "That's when I saw the flames were only 10 feet away from where I was standing," Simoes recalled.
With the fire spreading rapidly, Simoes said, she had no choice but to jump from a second-story balcony, holding on to Cameron for dear life.
Simoes suffered severe back injuries and doctors are not sure whether she will be able to walk again. Cameron is doing just fine.
Though she is still in a lot of pain, Simoes told CBS Boston just holding her son in her arms is the greatest Mother's Day gift she could ever receive.
"I'm having a good day," she said from the hospital. "My whole family is here, my son is here. It's magical, I mean there's nothing that feels better than having everybody here with me."
She will remain in the hospital for at least 10 days before beginning rehab.
Despite her incredibly brave act, she says she is not a hero for saving her son.
"I don't think that I'm any special hero at all. I'm just Cameron's mom," Simoes said.
The cause of the fire is still under investigation.

why did o post this here? on your  blog? when i have it set all up to be reflections, and love letters for you when i am gone?

simple, i saw you had liked it and shared it on your facebook wall, and it struck me..
its different than the norm you always push out to the world.
this one, reeks of compassion, and thoughtfulness, to me anyway.

i cant help but wonder, are you reflecting mothers day (was just yesterday) and how i am always trying to get you to undwerastand, a mother will be the one to die for you, to sacrifice her life, drowned in any ocean to make sure you can breath, walk through fire to make sure your safe,  give you her very last breath, and ounce of energy.

not another living soul will do that for her child, and i have told you over and over and over again, im that mom.
im the ONLY one who worried at night when your not here, worries when your not hime during the day, has cried tears of pain when i had to think of you entering the miliraty and being killed..over seas, worried when youd go off with dreinds id never see you again, and youd be dead in some ditch..id never know..
worried every hour you were in the iar on a plane, to and comeing back, every second was filled with worry..
why?
because i carried you inside me for 9 months, raised you alone allot of your childhood, and, have invested my heart into you.

id have done just as this mother did, daniel, if i was faced with the same circumstances, id have jumped out of that window and broke my bakck to make sure you werent harmed.

i have failed, on some elves of protection, and i know that, i own that, and i feel gulity for that every day of my life.
i feel powerless when your depressed, or fel theres no way out of a corner you have found yourself in...but i try, with what wisdom i have been blessed with to help guide you out of that place..
i wrap you in my love, and hold you tight, and ask you to believe in me, just have trust..ill show you a way.

and i feel, to me anyway, i have done the best i have been able too.
 maybe not to you, i dont know, your allot like your nanna, keep allot hidden inside.

i refuse to allow life to go by and you ever have to question my heart and you.
you held it 100% if the time. you have the key.

"you matter way more than I do"

 dont ever forget that! 

i love you, daniel. thats forever! 

 

MOTHERS DAY 2014

i wanted to express my thnks to you, i know its silly, you know i love almost everything you do with me, but i felt, as you gain more momentum towards manhood, id let you know the small gestures you do make a difference to me.

celebrating today was one of them.

started off with you coming to church..i thank you for that.
i know you prolly look at me as either a hypocrite or an overly religious person..
a hypocrite isnt always aware of what they do thats  done one way said another, and they are sinners too, just like me, i just own my faults, and sins and make no excuses, most everyone else does..

i want you to know you coming to church is always a good thing to me.
it warms my heart, because i want to make sure you have a sense of God in your life, if ONLY that..its the start of a bigger foundation later.
maybe with enough dedication, you can find out for yourself that the church is real, and holds the truth in it.

i cant give that to you. you have too seek that on your own.
dont sink, dont give up, fight and find out, for yourself if its real and truth, or false and a lie.
if i can give you ANYTHING in this world..its that you HAVE to rely on FAITH to make it through some of the most difficult times your going to ever have to face in your life.

if you have the surity that God DOES exist, it makes it allot easier to walk through those rough and hard places.
its not going to be easy.
and you WILL doubt. i can promise you that.
thats when FAITH kicks in.
faith: the beliefe in something you cant see.

i believed at somepoint in my life id have a child, i knew that..it wasnt coincidence that you happened when you did, your a bonified blessing to me. i can not and will not deny that as what i know it to be.
i have NEVER deserved you, you have deserved far better than me, but i have always tied to do my best, holding onto the promise, my faith would be enough.
and i can say, because i believe in God, and hesus and the Church, it has.

so, my message to you today is..take the time to seek the truth, and really dig into it, like you dig into and learn about anything and everything else. subject may be boring...but its so worth it to understand how it can impact and make your life better.

into todays events.
thanks for sharing today with me, wouldnt have been without you...:)

we went out to eat at a chinese restaraunt in CHOCKTAW, oklahoma, one of the fav places for you and craig.

and we had a buffet dinner, like we always have, and i got to open gifts craig and i had scouted out the day before and got, pickings were very slim for what i could get, but i did get things and i like tham all.

a yellow water bottle, i can use when i cut ppls hair.
a reversible yellow towel.
a big mug i can drink out of (thats kinda yellow, more green, but i liked it)
and some choclates.

i like to take a pic of our fortunes when we go out to eat asian, and these were ours, in order of  Craig, Myself and then you (at the bottom)

yours says: you will bring sunshine into someones life. :)

everyday, daniel, everyday i am brightened by your light.
i love you, and i thank you so very much for allowing ME to be YOUR mother. to me thats the best gift i could ever have had, ever.

you make all the pain and struggle i have ever had to go through emotionally, mentally, and physically, so worth it all...id do it again, every bit, to be right where i am right now at this very moment i am in your life.
id trade NOTHING! because its been a wonderful experience to have you share my life.

i love you so very much, my words cant eeven come up with the words to say it the right way, its an emotion..to deep to cover in our feble langauge. its spoken from the inners of the depth of my heart.

i love you, never ever forget that.!

FAYGO has released a NEW flavor! (Cotton Candy)

seems like a silly blog, im sure, or a silly love letter to you, when ever you read this, after i am gone

but i wanted to write about this because i thought youd be interested in remembering the moment.

i was doing something on facebook, and saw one of our co-workers from the haunted house (Oklahoma, The Sanctuary OKC) had posted that faygo has a new flavor, Cotton Candy... so..

i grabbed the image and intended to post the articlae about it, but it was litterally about 10 words long, lol

so i just wanted to share the news here.
i have already shared it on your wall. im sure youll LIKE it, anything to do with ICP and FAYGO get a LIKE from you.

why post about this?

because its something YOU like and enjoy, and i wanted to make you happy.
your my son, and i love you. and if i can do ANYTHING to make your heart happy i shall try.

i doubt that well see this flavor anywhere near her ein oklahoma, but stranger things have happened before, so we may never know. IF in fact we fo have this new flavor come into town, and we get it, ill post about that as well, you can be sure.

i love you daniel, even to share these simple little heart-lifters for you.

Mamma

SCHOOLING..phase 2, life after highschool

so, youve had a full year off from any education, i thought it would be good for you so you could figure out your life path.

youve gone from hard-core admanat about going military (failing the enterence exam 2 times,) to pro paintballer (not surre where youd go to educate yoursef in that one, to EMT, do relaize youd have to take some pre requisits that your not too crazy about too..finally...

SECURITY!!

we have found a path!

and school is just 7 miles from the house!

2 weeks of courses.
and youll be trained as an unarmed securioty, and maybe even have a heads up on job placeent as well, would be nice.

6 week class, looks like 2 nights (tuesday & thursday)  5:30pm-9:30pm
Security Pahse 1 & Phase 2

1 week class (9/23-9/26)
pahse 4- FIREARMS training.
not sure what the Minnesota Multi-Phasic Personality Inventory is, ill assume its a psych eval of some sort. but that will have to be done BEFORE you can take this part of your trsining, may not matter in the end unless a job requires it, because you get unarmed CLEET trained in the  other class anyway. and CLEET is a required thing here in Oklahoma to have as unarmed, or armed security/police.

2 day class, october 1 & 3rd
shotgun training, craig said you prolly wouldnt need this one while working, most securoty personell dont use a shotgun, so id hold off on this until you want to know it.

and then this i believe is just for anyone to take to be able to brush up on thier handgun skills and knowledge and im almost certain this is covered in your pahse 1 & 2.

you can also at some point decide to take pahse 3 (Private investogator) training as well..
but id only do that once you have a car your paying your own insurance on and have enough cash flow to allow you allot of time to sit and search things out, or watch ppl as they do life activities..


youll work for a year build up some income, and maybe even learn to ftive ny then, and then when your 21 take the armed class (another week) and youll be able to once you pass that test, carry a wepon with you and have a etter pay scale.

it was funny, we went to the movies and one of the previews was of a couple of guys who, for halloween, dressed up like cops, and got away with a bunch of stuff, all i could do was laugh because i knew you were thinking, thats possibly your life path, if you chose to do it.

this is a good thing.

you know i did security work before, i was unarmed, plain clothes, it was super easy, got paid 10 bucks to sit around, drink soda, watch tv, and do rounds every couple of hours.
was a cake walk, really.

i was part time, and only worked the weekend. but it was a good filler for what was  to be nexdt in line for me.

youll do fine.

so thats about to rev up for you, i believe in august.
were in may right now. 2 more months and youll be started on that career path, and maybe growing up a little as well.

you can do this!

i cant wait to see you in uniform! ill HAVE to get a pic! :)

i sure do love you!